Part 2 of a series on drinking.
I never questioned why I drank. I just drank. And I loved it.
With booze, I felt like anything could happen. Like I could do anything. Be the person I wanted to be: funny, attractive, flirty, outgoing, brave…
And that’s what my first few years of drinking felt like.
Sure, I barfed a lot, but I knew how to bring the party.
Drinking was great for my social life, especially during my college years. All of my friends drank. And there was always a “good” reason to drink. It wasn’t just Fridays and Saturdays. On Wednesday nights, we edited the school newspaper, so we drank our way through that. Thursdays were neatly tucked between those – so they joined the mix. Then there were birthdays, holidays, cancelled classes, dinners, dates…
There was drinking to escape the struggles of toxic relationships. To forget about stress from work and school. To lubricate otherwise rocky or unfitting friendships. To make boring things fun. To make fun things wild.
But mostly, I think I drank to break from the trappings of my “normal” self. To escape the feelings of inadequacy that generally haunted my conscious mind. And to let go of worrying about what everyone else thought of me. Drinking meant I could do and say whatever I wanted, no fucks given.
Drinking was my way of leaving “needs-to-be-perfect” Denise at home. I could let loose and actually have fun.
But alcohol’s effects are ephemeral. I wasn’t actually changing anything about myself or my life. So I had to keep drinking to keep feeling good.
Eventually it became less and less fun. The drinking didn’t feel good anymore.
In 2016, with the support of close friends, I quietly decided to take a 30-day break from drinking. No particular end-goal in mind, but it felt like something I needed to try.
It’s funny trying to explain to people that you’re not drinking. Like, trying to justify it, worried about being judged. Afraid they’ll think you’re no fun anymore. Lucky for me, I have a circle of kind, genuine, and very supportive friends, who were willing to help me through my shit.
process &
behind-the-scenes
