I’m a great listener—when it’s convenient for me.
I try to be a good friend. I want people to feel like they can open up to me.
So I ask them what’s up. I ask how they’re doing. I try to create a space for them to safely express themselves.
But honestly, I have a hard time holding that space when things get even a little difficult.
Recently, a friend was telling me about something a guy said to her.
It kicked up some bad memories for me. I instantly felt myself getting hot with rage. As soon as she finished her initial thought, I told her EXACTLY how what he’d said made ME feel.
“Here’s how that makes me feel” is my knee-jerk reaction to someone telling me something that I don’t like / disagree with / don’t wanna hear, or just something I have a strong opinion about.
I come in wanting to understand where the other person is coming from. But I’m so quick to react and respond to my own feelings.
I forget that it’s not all about me.
In this case, I caught myself. After my interruption, I asked her how she felt about the experience. From there, she had space to explore the nuances of her feelings, which made room for a really open, interesting conversation.
We need that kind of space to figure shit out. When we don’t get it, we’re robbed of a chance to heal and grow.
I almost did that to her. And I almost did myself a huge disservice as well. Because when I cut someone off, I lose out on the opportunity of hearing them speak their mind and truth.
I think our survival instincts make us a bit selfish. We see the world through our own eyes and experiences, which inform our personal realities, perspectives, and opinions.
But we’re also societal. We need to collaborate and coexist to be happy and to thrive. Good intentions are a great place to start, but we need to build empathy to get there. And empathy comes from listening with patience, effort, and intent.
Two people can have different views on something and both be right. Even if I disagree with someone, I often gain from acknowledging their truth.
I’m trying to get better at listening, even when it gets hard. And remembering to ask, “how does that make you feel?”
process &
behind-the-scenes
Textures make things fancy! I used two different paper textures to add grit on top of my marker doodles. I really feel like they breathe life into my otherwise cool-but-pretty-normal drawings.
Here are the links to where I got ‘em from (for free!) so you can try them out for yourself if you’re interested: