Part 2 of a series on sex.
There were hookups. There were breakups. And then, somehow, I was in a happy, healthy relationship. Where I felt zero impulse to fake orgasms.
It surprised me.
Right off the bat, sex felt like a team effort. We weren’t doing it *at* each other, but *with* each other. Even though I didn’t climax every time, it always felt like a team victory. Because it felt good. Because I had fun.
I felt relaxed and comfortable in my body.
In past experiences, I was expected to have an orgasm during intercourse. So I was either stuck in the mental game of trying really hard to get there (fyi, stress = major turn-off, so no luck there), or working on my performance for the dude (fake orgasm = pleasureless for me, but less pressure).
But now, I felt connected and present during sex.
I credit this to the fact that my partner and I had a solid foundation of trust from our pre-existing friendship. And because he was into outercourse (aka foreplay). Do you know how important that is for women’s pleasure? Let me tell you: it’s fucking make-or-break.
Porn, movies, and sex ed all gloss over that fact. So we have to somehow magically figure it out for ourselves. And then ask for it.
Sex is hard to talk about. But it’s hard to have good sex if you don’t talk about it.
I’d never felt comfortable enough to make that jump until this relationship.
I started by asking if he was cool with me masturbating to orgasm after we fucked. Not only was he down, but he participated too. Cuddling, touching, kissing. Making it way more fun than if I was just rubbing one out on my own.
Maybe the guys I was with before would have been down for that too. I wouldn’t know. They never created a space where I felt comfortable enough to ask.
As our relationship progressed, we both slowly came out of our shells. Even though sex is a totally normal thing, it still felt awkward and embarrassing to talk about. We had to make ourselves vulnerable in order to open up. It was crucial for us to create a space to communicate where we both felt safe, comfortable, and free from judgment.
The work is hard, but the payoff is so, so worth it.
Sidenote: I used the term “outercourse” instead of “foreplay”. Outercourse basically means non-penetrative sex. It’s a more inclusive term for all the fun, sexy things people do, across all kinds of sexual relationships (not just hetero ones). Things like massaging, vibrators, touching, and clit play. Tbh, I just learned the word yesterday. And I really like it. Because “foreplay” as a term kinda implies that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the ultimate goal of sexual contact. Which is a bummer, because that can be a limiting mindset.
process &
behind-the-scenes
Disclaimer: Many marshmallows were harmed in the making of this piece. 👅