What does it mean to be a friend?
I never used to ask myself that question. I just went with the flow. I went out lots and did stuff. I saw friends and people all the time.
But as I cut back on drinking over the last couple years, other things changed too.
I started going to less parties and group stuff, because I wasn’t feeling the loudness and chaos of it anymore. Not that I couldn’t have a good time, but I wasn’t left feeling especially fulfilled or happy from it the way I used to.
It was confusing. I felt guilt and shame for withdrawing from friendships and social life. I still wanted to be invited to events (include me!), but I didn’t want to actually go to most of them (accept me anyway!).
It wouldn’t have been so bad if I was also reaching out to friends to hang out. But I wasn’t. I only managed to maintain my absolute core friendships during that time.
Socializing made me feel overwhelmed. Just the thought of planning a hangout was exhausting. Partly because I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to experience friendships and meeting people in my post-drunk existence.
But I love people. So I felt sad, because I was avoiding them.
Eventually, I got more in tune with myself. I developed a better, deeper sense of what I actually liked doing with my time. Not just what I found entertaining after slamming back a few brewskis.
I like asking friends how they’re doing. I like hearing about their work, their family. What they’re up to. I like being there for them if they’re going through something and want to talk about it. I like to get excited about the things they’re excited about. I like to hear about their goals, what they’re working towards.
And I like to be able to share these things about myself with them, too. To make myself vulnerable, to open up about my hopes, my uncertainties. Explore feelings, emotions, memories. Grow as a person.
Basically, I like not feeling alone.
So lately, I’ve been working on building connections with people.
I love getting to know them, and vice versa. I feel good when I am accepted and loved for who I am. When I don’t have to perform. When I can simply exist, and feel like I belong.
process &
behind-the-scenes
At first I didn’t wanna use glue on my beads because I wanted to save them for future projects. So I just started positioning the beads on paper to form the words, with nothing to hold them in place.
I wasn’t that surprised when I lightly bumped into them after about an hour, destroying all my work and fully setting me back to zero. I couldn’t even be angry. I just caved, and started over, using glue this time.
I’m actually happy, because it ended up making a cool 3D piece that I get to keep!