I’ve always held perfect way up high on a pedestal.
Always in sight, but just out of reach.
I think my desire to be perfect stems from the idea that if I have no flaws, if I am everything everyone needs me to be, wants me to be, then I will have love. And I will have acceptance. And no one will ever be able to judge me or reject me. I will be safe. I will feel happy.
So when I do something that’s less-than-perfect, I get upset with myself. Why did I sabotage my own safety and happiness? “I’m so stupid. I suck. I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve known better.”
I fill myself with these thoughts, because I have to punish myself for not being perfect.
Cruel self-talk is the mean boss inside my head that keeps me in check. Reminds me that I always have to try harder.
Nothing I do is ever good enough. Which makes me sad. And cold. And cynical. So I turn to judging others. It helps alleviate some of the pressure I put on myself.
I put other people down to lift myself up. Sound healthy to you?
The more I judge people, the harder I am on myself. Everything I do, everything I make, everything I say has to be even more perfect now, otherwise I’m a hypocrite.
So I’m left with two options.
1. Spend the rest of my life chasing impossible, unattainable perfection.
Continue to punish myself for not achieving it. Sink deeper into feelings of inadequacy and bitterness, and eventually give up on ever trying to do anything meaningful in my life.
2. Accept that there is no “perfect”. Not for me, not for hot people, not for renowned artists, not for anyone.
No one is perfect. Accept myself as I am. Acknowledge that I’m doing my best. And that I will always have flaws, but they don’t define the sum of who I am. Acknowledge that I am worthy of love and acceptance. And stop all that shit-talking. Make things that aren’t perfect. Share them with the world, and with the people I love— who, by the way, also aren’t perfect, but I still love them anyway. Weird right?
I’ve considered myself an artist since I was a kid, but I never made or shared any real art until I was 27 years old. I was the only thing ever holding me back.
process &
behind-the-scenes
Shoutout to @gruwhtf for the paper and @apollothechild for the pen when I wanted to sketch but came to the stu unprepared!
And shoutout to me for buying markers for my nieces for Christmas and getting jealous and then buying the same markers for myself. 🖍
The word “perfect” uses the font Eckmannpsych by Oh No Type Co, the word “love” is in Beastly by Oh No Type Co, and “myself” is in Montecatini by Tipofili.