I’m a people-pleaser, and I’m also conflict-averse. It’s gotten me into relationships I wasn’t really interested in. And it’s trapped me in a relationship I desperately needed to get out of.
Breakups were always a difficult concept for me. As a people-pleaser, I often put others’ concerns, wants, and needs ahead of my own.
So when the feeling in my gut said “This isn’t working,” or “I don’t like this,” I felt guilty about it.
Because the guys I was with apparently really liked dating me. And I didn’t wanna upset them. So I’d let it drag out. I’d play nice, act like everything was fine. Delay the inevitable, until the moment I just couldn’t bear it any longer.
I’m not proud of the way I handled my breakups. Obviously, there’s no perfect, painless way to do it. I think it takes a certain amount of courage and self-awareness to be upfront, honest, and fair with the other person, and with yourself.
When I was making this post, I couldn’t help myself from being curious. About what I’d written in my first breakup, the email. I haven’t read it since I wrote it back in 2008.
So I logged into my old hotmail account. And there it was, buried deep under 10 years of spam. It was definitely cringe-y, but so much more thoughtful and mature than I would have expected. Yes, it was an email breakup: a shameful sin. But I did my best to be sensitive and kind. And I was honest. (And it was almost 1000 words … poor guy.)
I wrote: “I can’t live a lie to keep this relationship going, it’s not healthy and it’s not right. This part will be painful, but it will save us both pain in the long run.”
He called me after, and there was pain. But I remember how much lighter I felt. I wasn’t lying to him, or to myself, anymore.
process &
behind-the-scenes
You may have seen my self-portrait in this week’s post, and thought to yourself, “Hm, that doesn’t really even look like Denise.”
Well, wait till you see my process work in this post. My original sketches look even weirder. But I’m pretty happy with the end result. I rarely draw people or faces, so I have little practice or comfort in that area of illustration. (Hence me not quite nailing the facial expression I was going for.)
I’m basically mortified to show you this, but I think it’s fun to include the process work, just to show how something that starts off looking like total doodoo can end up looking pretty okay, with enough persistence.
(I also took the liberty of giving myself a good hair day. I was due to wash my hair in the reference photo.)