disappoint you

I know I can’t do everything that lands on my plate. I can’t be there for everyone all the time. I won’t always say the right thing. Not everything I cook will taste delicious. My art won’t always be beautiful or clever or inspiring. I can’t always say yes.

But I still live my life intending to do exactly all those things, all the time.

I watch myself do it. I just keep going, going, and going until all the things are done, in the most ideal way.

There are some healthy exceptions to this: I always get my full night’s sleep, I eat all my meals, I take a daily walk, I read, and I journal in the morning.

But it seems like everything else in my life can be compromised in order to please people. To appease myself. To feel like all the important things are done.

The holidays only intensify this need. December is a brute force marathon of wrapping up client projects, thinking of / making / shopping for / preparing perfect gifts, packing, making plans, and mentally preparing for the new year. It never ends.

Because then it’s Christmas.

And because I see family so rarely, I make sure to be present and engage with everyone. To play with the kids at every opportunity. To keep saying “yes”. To always be “on”.

I should clarify: I do genuinely enjoy seeing family, and catching up with them. I love playing with my nieces and nephews. I look forward to seeing old friends from Ottawa.

It’s exactly what I want, and it’s also the very thing that kills me. Because it’s too much, and it’s all at once. There’s no alone time or space to rest and recover. To recharge.

But I don’t want to miss any opportunities for connection. I don’t want to let anyone down.

That feeling is so painful, it makes me nauseous.

I think this all stems from a fear that if I disappoint people, they’ll think I don’t care about them, or decide I’m no good for them. And they’ll start to ignore me, or leave me. And I’ll be alone in this world.

I know it’s not true. But that’s how it feels sometimes, when it seems like I’m not doing enough, or doing it well enough.

The truth is, I’m trying my best.

I am enough, and I’m allowed to disappoint you.