As a teenager, I remember regularly sitting in front of the bathroom mirror, inspecting every square inch of my face. I would squeeze every single blackhead I could find. My skin would turn viciously red, for hours and sometimes days. But it felt so satisfying in the moment.
Pimples were worse. I needed to pop them, at any cost. You know when you try to squeeze one, and realize there’s not gonna be a white goo reward? That realization would stop me for about 5 minutes. But then I’d just keep going at it.
I don’t know why I did it. I always felt horrible afterwards.
Because even though it seemed like the goal was to make my skin look better, it always made me look way worse. And I knew that. But I couldn’t stop myself.
I always felt so alone and ashamed of my skin habit that I never told anyone about it. I also never googled it. By not acknowledging it, I was able to pretend to myself that it wasn’t a thing.
A friend posted about dealing with her similar habit on facebook last year, and it suddenly hit me how real it was. I realized that it was ok, and that I wasn’t a freak. I started to accept it and deal with it head on.
I’ve slowly built healthier skincare habits for myself. Simple things like washing my face, doing face masks a couple times a week, and using organic face oils and balms to nourish & moisturize my skin.
I find it unfair how society not only shames women into feeling bad about how we look, but then also calls us vain for taking care of how we look. I think the first part contributed to me developing the habit in the first place, and the second part made me hide from it (but keep doing it) for years.
The time I devoted to cruelly destroying my skin has been transformed into time spent gently loving and caring for myself. I look and feel a hell of a lot better because of it.
Still, sometimes when I’m stuck on a project, generally stressed, or feel like something in my life is spinning out of control, a trip to the bathroom can still lead to me squeezing a few blackheads … but just a few 😬
process &
behind-the-scenes
Ripping up strips of tissue paper, and then using a foam brush to paint with white glue… I felt like a total kid working on this. Arts n crafts for life. 💖