other girls

This is what the world taught me as a kid:

Boys are funny, strong, tough, and smart.

Girls are annoying, weak, scaredy-cats, and… less smart than boys.

Which group do you think I wanted to associate with?

Yeah.

Being a girl seemed like fighting a lifelong losing battle. So I emphasized traditionally masculine traits in myself, because I thought things would be better and easier for me if I acted like a boy.

I banished pink from my rainbow of favourite colours. I developed a repulsion to skirts and dresses. I suppressed sadness, and rolled my eyes at displays of affection.

I wanted to fit in with the boys. I wanted them to see me as one of their own.

So I got really good at farting and burping loudly.

(I don’t totally regret this.)

I got into rock music, and listened almost exclusively to male-led rock bands. I decided women vocalists were “boring or annoying.”

I fostered my more dominant, aggressive side. I acted tough, like I didn’t give a shit. I hid all my secrets and vulnerabilities, from even my closest friends.

But I was still being bombarded with feminine gender lessons: be kind, polite, and thoughtful. Be small and quiet. Put others’ needs first. Give all of yourself to others.

This is what the world demands of girls.

I felt so much pressure to always be the best girl I could be. I tried to be perfect.

But even at my best, I never felt like I was good enough.

When I felt low, I put down other girls. I decided I wasn’t “like them”, and I held them beneath me. Why? So I could rank just a little higher on the social ladder, closer to the boys, and feel better about myself.

I wanted to free myself from the caricature of what it meant to be a girl. But I was doing it by dragging other girls through the mud.

I think anyone who’s struggled with their socialization as a girl has gone through their own version of this story. The truth is, we’re all complex humans bursting with unique stories, character, and purpose.

Fuck a “basic bitch” label. I’m not better than other girls. I’m one of them.