I remember the look of utter confusion on my ex’s face when I told him I wanted to break up.
“Why?” he asked.
Honestly, I didn’t even really know. But looking back, I recognize there’d been behaviours I didn’t like. And I’d had needs that weren’t being met.
But he would’ve had to read my mind to know about them. I was holding him to a standard he didn’t even know existed.
I think most of the obstacles in my friendships and relationships were rooted in unmet (and uncommunicated) expectations.
It goes like this. I have wants and needs. And I have expectations of those being met. But, I don’t want to be perceived as bossy—or worse, needy—so I suppress them. I don’t acknowledge them to myself, and I don’t express them to anyone else.
But I still have them.
And when the people around me don’t meet them (AKA they don’t read my mind), I get upset. I feel hurt, frustrated, angry. Like I’ve been wronged. But because I’m suppressing the very root of the problem, I’m not equipped to talk about why I’m upset. So I give the cold shoulder. The silent treatment. Or I pick another fight, lash out about something else.
Or, if you’re my unlucky boyfriend, I break up with you.
Whoops.
I’ve repeated this pattern over and over. It’s silly. Wanting things to go a certain way, but doing nothing to get there. Self-sabotaging any chance I have of feeling fulfilled for myself. Or of building healthy relationships.
I try not to do that shit anymore.
Now, I actually listen to myself.
I try to get a clear picture of what my expectations really are, and why I have them. Because it’s pretty hard to communicate them explicitly to someone else if I don’t understand them myself.
I find it helpful to have a conversation around that deeper context. It helps the other person get why those wants or needs are important to me, and they’ll be more willing to try and work on them.
What’s cool is, when I started talking more openly about my own needs, I became more sensitive to seeking out and understanding the expectations of my partner and friends.
What I understand now is that it’s not about being bossy or needy. It’s about being honest, fair, and kind.
process &
behind-the-scenes
How sexy is my overhead shooting set-up, tho?
Thank you to @mechant_vaporwave for the photos of me sculpting the letters! 👅 and for suggesting that the tongue actually lick the ear (I was only going to make it poke it or something? duh).
And special shout-out to @esa.bani, who is always encouraging me to make more animated posts. I probably wouldn’t have done this if it weren’t for you!
I think this might be my first ever attempt at claymation. It’s really fun and satisfying, and I can only imagine how much further I could take an approach like this with a bit more time and planning…