Power and control.
Probably not the healthiest dynamics I shoulda built my friendships on. But I did.
Why?
Memories of three friendships in particular come to mind. From ages 9, 12, and 14.
What I remember isn’t so much the friendships themselves, but the way they ended. Abruptly. Without much explanation.
One day we were practically best friends, and the next… they suddenly had other, better friends. I was on my own.
I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and loneliness.
I felt like something was wrong with me. But I wasn’t equipped or brave enough to face those feelings.
As a kid, I was very much aware of social hierarchy. And with each friendship breakup I endured, I felt the crushing need to climb up that social ladder. To protect myself.
I was never a “cool kid”, so I focused on my strengths: being smart, funny, and good at art. It sorta worked. I gradually earned a bit of respect from the other kids at school.
But I still had a fear of abandonment. And what do you do when you’re scared people will leave you? Manipulate them into thinking they can’t. Make them believe that leaving would be a mistake.
I tried to make people feel small so that I could feel big.
Those early friendship breakups made me feel like I didn’t deserve to have friends. To feel loved for who I was.
So I became a hardened version of myself to cope. Lived under a shield so that nothing could hurt me.
Under that shield, I grew weaker, not stronger.
In my early 20s, I went through a long, rough patch with a very close friend. I felt at risk of losing this friendship forever. It really freaked me out. This wasn’t some schoolyard shit, this was someone important to me in my adult life.
I think it helped wake me up to what I’d been doing all these years. I realized I had to stop. I was relying on power games as a crutch for connection. I was hurting people.
I had to learn that the only way to build and sustain healthy, long-lasting, meaningful relationships is through love.
Now I try my best to love with kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. I try to own my fucking mistakes, and let go of my need to control. It’s not easy. But I try.
process &
behind-the-scenes
For this behind-the-scenes, I drew up a quick bonus story that links to my medium from this post 🙂
